item # 1

all my life
i have wanted to disappear
into that
which is
without form

i am that
child
hiding from the mother
i am that
teen starving for food
i am that
twenty something running after fancy fur coats
i am that
who finally disappears into the deep
void
i now call the work force

i am all of it and none of it

tightly wrapped around the identity
of my singular job
knowing no separation
between the me and the work
living a lifeless life
deathfully alive
hooked up to the machine for air
or for what i am told is air
for what i thought was sustaining me
but was nothing more than a mere paycheck
to the machine that makes me run
i was hooked

no beginning no end to that identity
and to the solid i

i wasn't disappearing at all
but in the business of manufacturing and selling
selling a false reality of myself to my self

no i wasn't disappearing
i wasn't disappearing at all
i was deathly

holding on at all cost
clutching tight with my head ducked low
scared to look
or move
or breath

and no car or house
changes the solid existence
that is in denial
of the beautiful sun

frozen in the junkyard of objects and things
let me disappear
and become like that child
who is happy
with nothing and all

and who stands up quickly after
a fall

let me disappear
into that

i am that

i am that
which you cannot write
which you cannot explain

so refrain
disappear in to the mall
where you can
get it all